


The Gospel according to Tony Stark

by Batfink



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Deadpool - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Artificial Intelligence, Avengers Tower, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Domestic Avengers, Gen, Random & Short, Randomness, Swearing, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-07-26 12:00:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7573276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Batfink/pseuds/Batfink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sharing his tower with the Avengers had never been in Tony's plan, but it had happened... and then Wade had happened... and then Bucky had happened.  He hadn't thought it would be that big a deal to begin with, but he learnt the hard way that it wasn't a good idea to let supposed superheroes have free-rein in his home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Gospel according to Tony Stark

_Chapter 1_  
**Thou shalt not take any more shit**

_Verse 1_  
“Tony, did you remove all the doors from my room?” Steve asked approaching Tony in his kitchen.

“Yes. I did.” Tony nodded.

“Why?” Steve asked.

“Because you kept breaking them.” Tony stated.

“Okay, I get it, I'm sorry. Sometimes I forget my own strength, usually when I'm tired. I'll try to be more careful.” Steve blushed. “Can I at least have my bathroom door back? I can't go when there's a chance someone could walk in on me.”

Tony thought for a moment, then nodded. “Fine. Don't break it in the next week and you can have all your doors back.”

 _Verse 2_  
Wade was soaking, again. The sprinklers in the tower seemed to have it in for him. Every time he tried to do... well... pretty much anything, a sprinkler would douse him.

“Tony, did you set the sprinklers to target me?” Wade asked one evening as he squelched into Tony's lab.

“Yes.” Tony replied not looking up from his latest work.

“Why?” Wade enquired.

“You've been here three weeks and in that time you've caused seventeen explosions.” Tony turned to glare at Wade. “That coffee machine was like family.”

Wade cringed. “I'm sorry. I'll try to be more careful, but why did it douse me when I went to bed?”

Tony eyed him carefully. “What were you touching?”

“Nothing.” Wade replied, then shrugged. “Well, you know, only myself.”

“Well there you go then. Don't want you rubbing that twig until it explodes now do we?” Tony grinned at him.

“Please.” Wade pleaded.

“Fine, if you can go a week without making anything explode, I'll tell the sprinklers to stand down.” Tony conceded.

 _Verse 3_  
Clint hobbled into the kitchen and reached into the fridge for an ice pack. “Did you put trap doors in the air vents?” He asked Tony who was sipping coffee at the counter.

“I did.” Tony nodded.

“Why?” Clint asked, hissing as the ice pack touched his knee.

“I told you to stay out of them. It messes with the air-con settings when you're in there.” Tony informed him.

Clint sighed. “Fine.”

“You can go in the ones above your room only.” Tony told him and Clint grinned.

“Thanks Tony.”

 _Verse 4_  
“Did you install electro magnets in the ceilings to stick my guns to the roof?” Bucky demanded storming into Tony's living room.

“I did.” Tony smirked.

“Why?” Bucky growled.

“In the two weeks since you moved in, you've shot two spiders, four dust bunnies, Steve twice and one of those times you were aiming for me.” Tony reeled off.

Bucky hung his head. “I'm sorry. Guess I'm still a bit twitchy.”

“It's fine.” Tony shrugged. “I'll give you one back, without the ammo if it'll make you feel better.”

Bucky smiled. “Thanks Tony.” 

_Chapter 2_  
**Do as I say, not as I do**

 _Verse 1_  
The explosion rattled the windows of all the upper floors and was heard all the way down to the ground floor. When the dust cleared in Tony's lab, Wade was standing there arms folded glaring at Tony. “Hypocrite.” He huffed.

“Hey, my lab, my explosions.” Tony replied. “What did you think though?”

Wade laughed. “Pretty cool, man.”

 _Chapter 3_  
**Of course alcohol is a food group, Steve**

 _Verse 1_  
“When did you last eat?” Steve asked Tony when he came down to his lab one evening.

Tony shrugged and took another swig from his glass of scotch.

“You need food.” Steve said sternly and Tony waved the glass in his direction. “That's not food.”

“Sure it is, Steve.” Tony grinned. “Steve, Steve, Steve.” He waved the glass at him again. “It has wheat type stuff in it, Steeeeeve.” He waved a finger at Steve. “They make bread out of that stuff.” He slid off his stool and wobbled over to Steve. “That makes whisky, bread, see.” He giggled and Steve sighed. Grabbing the glass from Tony he placed it aside before leading Tony towards the elevator so he could get him to his bed. Hopefully he would eat once he had slept off the drink.

 _Chapter 4_  
**The louder, the better... sort of**

_Verse 1_  
“What the hell is that racket?” Steve yelled at Tony over the sounds of AC/DC playing full volume.

“It's music, Steve.” Tony yelled back.

“How can you tell?” Steve hollered and Tony shook his head waving a hand to shoo Steve away. “Be gone, philistine.”

_Verse 2_  
“Holy shit!” Tony yelped as he turned around and came face to face with Clint in his lab.

“I knocked.” Clint yelled at him. “Guess you didn't hear me.”

Tony rolled his eyes. “If you came to complain about my music you can bugger off.”

Clint laughed. “Nah, I came to ask for some new arrows. I turned my hearing aids off before I came in here.”

_Verse 3_  
“What the fuck is that racket?” Tony demanded storming into Wade's room.

“Hip hop.” Wade yelled over the music.

“Well turn it the fuck down.” Tony huffed.

“Hypocrite.” Wade replied reaching for the dial.

“Yeah, yeah, see above.” Tony grinned back at him.

 _Chapter 5_  
**Coffee machine sentience**

_Verse 1_  
“Tony.” Steve began carefully. “Did you install an A.I. in the coffee machine?”

Tony smiled. “Yes, I did.”

“Why?” Steve asked.

“I wanted it to be more pro-active about not ending up empty.” Tony shrugged.

“I see.” Steve sighed. “Could you maybe, uninstall it?”

Tony frowned. “Why?”

“It was crying because the filter needed changed.” Steve rubbed his hand over his face. “It took me twenty minutes to get it to stop... and that was after I changed the filter.”

“Huh?” Tony thought for a moment. “I wonder if there's such a thing as a coffee machine therapist.”

Steve gaped at him for a moment. “I think I need a therapist.” He mumbled as he wandered away. Starbucks wasn't that far away. He could do with a walk.

_Verse 2_  
“TOOOONNNNNY!” Clint howled as Tony entered the kitchen. “You're demon spawn won't give me any coffee.”

Tony walked over to the coffee machine and placed his cup under the spout. He patted the top of the machine. “Was Uncle Clint being mean to you?” He asked the machine.

“I just asked it to hurry up.” Clint huffed.

Tony turned to glare at him. “Would you tell Picasso to hurry up?”

“It's a coffee machine, Tony.” Clint huffed.

“It's slow brewed perfection.” Tony snapped back before turning back and cooing at the coffee machine as it slowly filled his mug.

Clint sighed. “Fine, I'm sorry.” He approached the machine after Tony had removed his mug. “Please can I have some coffee? I apologise for being cranky, but that's what I need the coffee to cure.”

The machine beeped at him and then slowly began to fill up his mug.

 _Chapter 6_  
**Sleep is for the weak**

 _Verse 1_  
“How long has Tony been down in his lab?” Steve asked Clint over breakfast one morning.

“Three days, I think.” Clint replied.

“That's probably not good.” Steve sighed.

“What could be worse than the demon spawn coffee machine?” Clint shrugged.

“Shh!” Steve hissed at him. “I just got it to sleep.”

 _Verse 2_  
“Tony, why did you paint your latest suit like Hello Kitty?” Bucky asked a bleary eyed Tony on day four.

“For marketing purposes.” Tony grinned up at him from where he was half slumped over his work bench.

“Marketing purposes?” Bucky really knew better than to ask, but there we go.

“Yup, for girls and crazy cat people and... and... wait, I know...” He started scrabbling around on his work bench for a pen. “Miniaturisation! It's all the range. I'm gonna build a tiny army of Hello Kitty Iron Manses, es.”

Thankfully at that point he slumped forward asleep and Bucky carried him to his bed.

 _Chapter 7_  
**The VR equipment is not for porn**

_Verse 1_  
“Hypocrite.” Wade huffed.

“See above.” Tony grinned.

 _Chapter 8_  
**Pepper knows all**

 _Verse 1_  
“I swear, Pepper, it wasn't my fault.” Tony insisted.

Pepper glared at him.

“Okay, it wasn't entirely my fault.” Tony continued. “Maybe 12% my fault.”

Pepper rolled her eyes and Tony made a note to buy her some shoes.

_Verse 2_  
“Tony. No.” Pepper stated firmly.

Tony pouted and made a note to buy her some more shoes.

_Verse 3_  
“TONY STARK I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU!” Pepper screeched after him as Tony legged it down the hallway towards the elevator mentally making a note to buy her a lot more shoes.

 _Chapter 9_  
**Buy stocks in Louboutin and you can never go wrong.**

_Verse 1_  
See Chapter 8.

 _Chapter 10_  
**Clint always has pizza**

_Verse 1_  
“What the hell are you doing in my kitchen at 3am?” Clint demanded.

Tony looked up at him, pizza slice jammed in his mouth.

Clint sighed, slid onto the stool next to him and grabbed up a slice.

_Verse 2_  
Clint stared dejectedly into his freezer. There was no pizza in there. He sighed. “Tony fecking Stark.” He muttered closing the door. “I'm gonna get a dog to guard my food.”

_Verse 3_  
“What the hell?” Clint growled staggering bleary eyed into his kitchen.

“Pizza dog.” Tony grinned as both he and the dog wolfed down a slice each.

Clint sighed and grabbed a slice for himself before it was all gone.


End file.
